Wooking for Wove

It's been about 6-7 years since I last ventured into the world of online dating, and I thought my new life in Manhattan would be a good chance to try it again. What better way to meet new people, see different neighborhoods, and fill my time? Worst case scenario, I'd get some crazy stories, right?

Riiiiiight.

First of all, let me say the upside of online dating is that you can find out in a few short minutes what would take you hours to uncover in a more casual conversation. His goals, career, interests and dislikes are all right there and spelled out in plain English. (Bonus: you get to see if he knows the difference between they're and their or it's and its.)

The downsides? Being subjected to drivel like this:

Paid the dues... now want to enjoy the Club perks!
Would LOVE to meet ONE (one only) top-shelf Lady and see if there is a connection we would enjoy. Looking for ONE Lady that blooms with age. Be a high quality person. Be classy. Be fit. Be fun. Be pretty. Be a person that sees each day as opportunity.

Be close to your barf bucket...

The other delight of online dating -- or at least Match in particular -- is that one must begin by selecting an online identity. Here are a few of my favorites:

GreatGuy4UinNJ
roomyumbrella
strongNsilent

My very favorite: CuddlerXL.

A close second: Wookingpawub.

I'm sorry, but is that supposed to be "looking for love" pronounced with a lisp????

I thought Match would be a chance to get to know some new neighborhoods in the city. Instead, it turned into more of a lesson in Tri-States geography. "Hello from Hoboken!" wrote one man.

And in this age of digital abundance, the poor quality of most photos surprised me. It seems cruel and inappropriate to upload any specific examples, but you really wouldn't believe the number of arm's length self-portraits or bathroom mirror snapshots out there. I shouldn't complain, though -- the worst of all is the surprising number of men on Match with absolutely no photos. Those lead to messages like this one from "HeyU3" in Fleetwood, New Jersey:

How are you? I think we have some things in common. I don't have a px for work purposes only. I can explain if you like.I have very thick hair, good teeth and look much younger than my age.I'm very down to earth and really looking forward to meeting awonderful person.

He actually did attach a photo with his message, and he did indeed seem to have thick hair. His profile was headlined "Seeing what's out there." Uh, huh, HeyU3, I bet you are. Tell your wife I said hi.

My subscription was for a month. But here's the most disheartening part: I sent out several messages and heard back not a peep. After the two dates I blogged about previously, there wasn't anyone else I even wanted to correspond with. Maybe somewhere out there my messages are fodder for someone else's blog? Oh, well. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

But for now, it's Goodbye from Manhattan. I think I'll keep wooking for wove...offline.